Page 1 of 3

OK Iam is bored reading statutes.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 10:24 pm
by IamallthatIam
Time to respond to TV: of the licensing family me thinks whilst taking a break from much more important stuff

watcha fink ??

Present: of the Occupier family
XXXXXXX adddress removed by me XXXXXXX

My Ref: Chocolate dipped gerkins and the minute mushroom ( well if you are allowed to write bull cacky then so am I , what’s good for the goose is good for the gander)

Dear John: of the Robinson Family and all you other gorgeous guys and gals at TV LICENSING,

I truly can't thank you enough for your recent letter dated May 2009. (I don't get much in the way of mail any more – I can't for the life of me think why.)

The heading on your letter states that “TV Licensing Enforcement Officers are visiting Upper Inkerman Street”. Is that a threat or a promise?

Either way, thank you for sharing that information with me, I am sure i`ll sleep a lot better tonight now I know that.

I am a little bemused though as to why you think I am at all concerned about your whereabouts or achievements , I mean what is it you want , a medal or a chest to pin it on?

I really do fail to see why you feel the need to tell me this , I am going to the bathroom in a minute to have a piss, would you like me to inform you of my actions every time the urge takes me?

Now to be fair if you are actually expecting to be entertained once you get here, then do please say what you mean, I don’t want to be caught with no nibbles, I mean how socially unacceptable is that, further more if you let me know the time and date, i`ll bake a cake.

You state that I have not responded to your recent warning that this address is scheduled to receive an enforcement visit. For your information I will have you know that yes I did respond , In fact I made use of some bunting that I found under the stairs , left over from last years Brownies Jamboree and you didn’t even bother to show up. In my book that is rude.

You go on to say that as this address remains unlicensed, it is now included on the list of unlicensed properties to be visited this month by the South Wales Enforcement Team. Well, let me tell you that you have been included on my list of “Party Poopers, Spoil Sports and No Shows”

I know it is rude to point out other peoples mistakes, my mum always told me that, but sometimes I get a little cavil, can’t help me self really, it is just an obsessive and overwhelming need I have for honesty , call it OCD if you like but you really have incorrectly stated that “Using TV receiving equipment to watch or record television programmes without a valid licence is against the law.”

Now that isn’t exactly true is it? In actual fact it is what I would call a little white lie. Well alright, not little and not white really more like a bloody great whopper, because watching TV without a licence is not against the Law is it ? It is only against one of your statutes, which aren’t laws , they are only given the FORCE of law by consent of the governed, and unless you get that consent, your statues have no force.

On that basis , if it was me I would seriously go and wash my mouth out with soap!

May I suggest that you look in the mirror and check your tongue for blue boils , that's what they used to tell kids would happen isn’t it , if they told lies ?

Again you continue in your letter saying “ if your officers suspect that an offence has taken place at the address I may be cautioned and interviewed in compliance with the Police and Criminal Evidence Act 1984” and that “This interview may then be used for the purposes of prosecution.”

I take it I am supposed to be scared now am I, by that threat? If it makes you feel bigger and tougher I could say that my knees are now knocking and I am sat here typing whilst trembling in my boots , but no I won’t, see, because that would be lying and we have already established that that is the wrong thing to do.

Apparently I could avoid this visit , interview and any consequent legal action ( including a court appearance and a fine of up to £1000) if I buy a TV Licence now.

Why would I do that? I am looking forward to your visit so much now , the thought of company has got me all excited, as I don’t get out much ( Victoria sponge or chocolate ??? OR I could do a nice bit of Battenberg if you promise to bring along the marzipan)

Underlined at the bottom are the words I must not ignore this letter, I don’t think I am ignoring you , in fact I think I have addressed every point in your letter.

You are absolutely, 100% correct in stating that this address is unlicensed and it is my sincere wish that this shall remain the case.

It may, or may not, surprise you to know that I, a living breathing Human Being of flesh and blood comprising of an Immortal soul, does not use, or wish to use any sort of television or recording equipment now or in the foreseeable future, maybe even in my entire lifetime on this planet. (I may reconsider in my next incarnation, but I’m not making any promises).

No, actually, after considering it in much detail , even in alternative and future existences on this plane, and any and all others I still have no wish to poison my brain with the crap you pump out.

I’m terribly sorry to deprive you of £142.50, (or even £48, if I'd had a Black and White set), but I’m afraid neither of those sums of money will be coming from me, so you can go whistle for your supper. You see, I am only one of a growing number of ‘hip young things’ who do just fine without a television; and let’s face it, there is absolutely nothing interesting on anyway. To be fair, it's all a bit S.H.1.T really, wouldn't you agree? Go on, really when you think about it, it is, isn’t it? You have to agree, and when we come down to brass tacks it is not just a bit S.H.I.T,it is a lot S.H.I.T.

I understand that you are not responsible for the output on TV - that's the job of the Beeb and the Commercial networks, but really, I find it hard to imagine just why anyone would want to part with good money for a load of old fart-gas in return (and more fool those silly buggers who do part with their money).

(cue some suitably scary music) A surprising omission from this letter was the fact that you have previously stated that you claim to 'catch' 1000 ‘evaders’ a day, and that I could be next... Ye Gods! I'm a-shakin' in me boots yet again... Well. That's 365,000 people a year; 3.65 million in a decade - plus or minus a few, accounting for leap years! Sorry, but to me that sounds like a teeny weeny bit of an exaggeration at the very least. And, I'm sorry, once again, (Note to self: I really must stop all this apologising) to disappoint you, but it won’t be me you 'catch' (Be warned - I'm like Swine Flu. If you 'catch' me, you'll regret it). And that IS a promise folks.

I think I have just realised why you left this bit out this time , LMAO it was another lie wasn’t it ?!!!!

However, you are still welcome to send round the ‘heavies’ if you want proof; they can even take apart the entire structure of my house in their search for a TV, if they must (as long as they put it all back together again, as per building regulations), and they'd be welcome with open arms as long as they wear something frightfully garish – preferably with a silly hat - and can come at precisely 03.17am on a Sunday morning! I can be a bit 'nocturnal' like that, I blame cheese you know, it keeps me up.

I am very picky about timing, as you may have gathered. Some say I'm a bit mad, but I say. Nay! I'm a right fruit-loop! I is, I is, I is!

In closing, I wish all you lovely, lovely people a belated ‘Happy New Year’, and I look forward to hearing from you to ‘confirm my situation’, as it were.

Love, Kisses and 'snuggles'.

Present: of the Occupier Family, without prejudice , ill will, frivolity, vexation or cheese xxx

Kindly address all future correspondence to a grape and shove it down the chimney otherwise they are likely to be returned unopened and unread without dishonour.

Re: OK Iam is bored reading statutes.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 10:40 pm
by daizi
excellent letter indeed...although i would tempted to omit the part where you sy you haven't got a tv...just to keep it a little more interesting!

i havent had a tv for about 12 years, and used to ring them up and tell them, (think it goes on their records and they cant harrass you for 2 years or something) i just let them waste their money with hilariously threatening letters to some strange entity called the legal occupier. i havent got a clue who that is, but i open their mail and recycle it.

reading that has made my evening...cant wait for their response! (and from what i remember they dont bother to check if you have a set or not..shame you may not get your party.. : (

: )

Re: OK Iam is bored reading statutes.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 10:55 pm
by IamallthatIam
I have a confession to make, we dont actually live at the address the letter was sent to it is hubby's mum's ex house that we are trying to sell , sadly she passed away last year , the house is empty at the moment. i am sorely tempted to add a P.S. enquiring if they are still seeking contact with the previous occupier also as she didnt have a licence there either , i thought i would offer to sell them tickets to a seance, or if they are in agreement i could invite the vicar round to do a reserrection ?

Re: OK Iam is bored reading statutes.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 10:59 pm
by IamallthatIam
in fact i shall create a ticket to said seance, and enclose it asking them to return it if they do not wish to purchase !!!!!

Re: OK Iam is bored reading statutes.

PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 12:16 am
by IamallthatIam
seance ticket for TV licensing.doc

Re: OK Iam is bored reading statutes.

PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 5:56 am
by Farmer
I like the letter.

About 13 years ago I still had a TV but rarely watched it. I kept getting people coming around every few months. I always told them to get lost; they would then put something through the letter box. All I knew at the time was that if you allowed them to enter the house, they later had a right to enter again. I actually like people turning up at the door so I can tell them to get lost.

Re: OK Iam is bored reading statutes.

PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 1:09 pm
by IamallthatIam
I have completely forgotten to update this thread, just been reminded of it now as i have just recived another threat through the post this morning

i did hear back from them - they sent me a £12.00 refund !!!!!! :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

i think I might just claim the rest of what I have paid through the years back lmao !!

Re: OK Iam is bored reading statutes.

PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 4:28 pm
by Freeman-B
Once again superb! Your letters always tickle my chuckle spots, but this one was particularly good :clap:

As for the refund - hilarious - what was the £12 refunded for? I'd be fascinated to know how they worked that one out.

Best as always
:peace: :love:

Re: OK Iam is bored reading statutes.

PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 4:42 pm
by kevin
I had a refund from them when I cancelled my direct debit, you pay in advance for your licence, they make 20 million a year in interest on it. I payed it into the bank when I went away once....350 miles from my house, that should of confused them :giggle:

Re: OK Iam is bored reading statutes.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 23, 2010 8:21 pm
by IamallthatIam
I know I haven't added to this is a very long while - have had many others to piss off instead of TV Licensing lol why should they have my undivided attention? but............... i started getting letters to the place at which i dwell to which i responded with:

In care of
my address

Date 18/04/2010

FAO John Robinson, Regional Manager,

I write in response to your automated letter vaguely dated April 2010 and titled “A VISIT TO THIS PROPERTY WAS AUTHORISED ON 07/04/10”.

Firstly, let in me inform you that bold and capitalised text was not designed to intimidate nor was its original intent to convey a threat, therefore your use of such seems out of place given the content of your letter and as such your attempt at coercion has not been delivered.

You state that you personally have received authorisation from your National division to visit the above property. Let me inform you, that neither you, nor your Nation division have, at any point in the past or present, been given my express or implied consent, tacitly or otherwise, any permissions for such authorisation to be granted. On that basis any such visit to the above or neighbouring properties will be construed as trespass and will be treated as such on the grounds that no contract exists between either party and no services have been requested. Your illicit compulsion to ply unsolicited broadcasts to the above property has been of your own freewill.

You have been given ample opportunity to amend your records to reflect the current situation but you have repeatedly chosen not to. Let me make this clear, I have NOT bought a TV License nor do I have any intention of doing so, If the Bollocks and Bullshit Corporation were the last indoctrinating company on the planet with its explicit agenda of poisoning the already corrupt minds of the brainwashed public with more crap and debris than local landfill I still would not subscribe to the distorted and misrepresented twist you manage to mangle each and every program into. I will have you know I was born with a brain and know how to use it, this is a function and ability I fully intend to keep operational, together with common sense I will choose what I feed my grey matter to keep it healthy, quiet frankly the menu you have on offer repulses and disgusts me.

Should one of your officers trespass upon me without warning, at any time, I shall exercise my common law right to protect myself and my property against that being inflicted upon me without my consent. I will not suffer loss or injury at the hands of your minions.

Any evidence that your representatives claim to gather could and would only ever be fictitious and as such proof of such a vexatious and malicious claim will be demanded under their full commercial liability and penalty of perjury in a court of law.

I will not be threatened or blackmailed in to purchasing a license. Should I choose to keep a television at the premises above, it will be because I am free to do so, and not for the purposes of shovelling the shit you broadcast onto the flowerbed of my intellect. I choose to enrich the soil of my intelligence with knowledge and nurture blooms of wisdom with light NOT to cut the head off every stem with fear and ignorance.

I presume this makes my position clear.

Further, for your information there are no “Present Occupiers” or “Legal Occupiers” dwelling at the above address, therefore be warned that any and all future correspondence addressed in that way will be destroyed and disposed of without dishonour.

Should you wish to address me you may do so by referring to what I am commonly called. Failure to address me correctly will not result in any tacit agreement being assumed when I choose not to respond to that which does not address me. Furthermore, should any correspondence be entered into which continues along the same menacing tone that you have previously adopted, any and all documentation will be retained with the intention of it being used as evidence in a court of law when charges are brought against you for harassment.

In sincerity and honour, without ill-will, malice or aforethought

Simon: of the Elder family, as commonly called, all rights and privileges reserved, including the right to contract OR NOT as I see fit.

well....lo and behold... i got a reply from them today

you'll like this.......

it's as funny as fuck

Dear mr elder

Thank you for telling us you don't need a TV License. We've recorded your letter under our complaint reference number above. Please use this number if you need to contact us again.

I'm sorry that you're unhappy with our visiting policy.

We've noted our records with your wish to withdraw the common law right for TV Licensing's officers to approach your property. W£e reserve the right to use other methods available for the detection of television receiving equipment.

yours sincerly
William Stone
customer relations

Someone please tell me do ......when since has there been a common law right for TV Licensing officers to approach anyones property????? :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

love and light
angie x x x